There was a guy I might have married. He was special. He loved me so much, it was horrible to watch.

I guess the first 2 years was for getting over my imaginary 'almost' relationship in college.
He ran after me in the rain so he could carry an umbrella for me. That's when I first realized he was different than anyone else.
After we broke up, I got locked out of my temporary house down near the border of mexico. He drove out there to rescue me.
I've grown to love him back, finally. but it is very mature, peaceful. Is peace all I want?

A friend of mine has just come out. With that, the return of all my own tumultous memories. What path do I take now? Marry this man, who loves me as no one else ever had, and maybe..maybe! hurt him in the future? Or throw it all away?

I just joined up with gay.com. I want to find a place to chat with people of the glbt community, but it seems like no one is ever on. People seem nice on their profiles, I guess I'll have to start striking up conversation just based on a list of interests...I'll just have to get over my shyness.
Stardust- great movie. Go see it.

first love (maybe)

Light blue was her color. We painted the walls of our dorm light blue. My first gift to her was a stuffed dog, a husky, with blue eyes. My final gift was a blue sapphire necklace that matched the clear cool seas of her eyes, eyes that I felt I could swim in, be baptized in.
Once I was helping her with a project and standing over her as we both studied the monitor. A creative suggestion and voila, something worked. I turned to share a victory smile and so did she, our faces only inches apart. Our eyes caught and there was a brightness in hers that surprised me, I was close enough to see the swirling of her pupils (sympatetic stimulation of alpha-1 receptors dilating the muscles of the iris). I remember thinking of mysterious black holes and their indomitable gravity. My head dropped several centimeters closer, and then I stopped. The wall I had placed between us returned, just in time. She still looked up at me. I drew back and faced the screen again. "Next question..."
Those moments were enough for me to live by, keeping ablaze a hope that would never be extingiushed as long as I didn't risk it all.
But not everyone can live off of crumbs, or perhaps I was mistaken...
Why didn't I ...?
Because I cared. And caring included providing constant support and time listening about her love interests, obviously not in congruence with my feelings.
I would be the friend. Still friends? I asked once. Friends forever she smiled back. I felt it too precious to ever risk.
Thus, I kept up the wall. One day we were discussing her main elusive love again, she said, 'you're him, he's you.' I still didn't do anything besides stifled the wellspring of optimism. This boy really existed, for one. I wasn't sure if she meant she suspected I was forging his emails to her (silly, I realize now, but she did have strange ego-centric conspiracy theories sometimes), or if all her rambling to this day had been a roundabout message meant for me. Even today my heart aches happily from the thought of that. But then I recall this man still exists and long after she and I stopped speaking, this man was still a topic of great priority to her. I made the right decision, I believe.
An email came. We hadn't talked in years. She had a real boyfriend now and they did real things, not just hints and hopes.
We met to catch up on old times. She is happy yes, waiting for that proposal any day now. I took a sip of my drink and saw the blue sapphire, bought so carefully and with knowledge it was to be the final symbol of my love. I held it delicately in my hand as though it were my heart.
She wore it on the simple silver chain it came with, giving the blue an icy gleam to it, the light that once filled her eyes but now I was unable to see. The memory of it was strong enough to cut at my soul. The jewel rested near her heart and I knew, I knew she understood the warmth I had buried in there, that it still existed.
It seemed a silent way of her saying 'i know you loved me.'
Which would mean she had, in a way, loved me too. She remembered a time when something passed between us, and maybe if she didn't see it for what it was, she knew it was to be cherished.
I took this all in with a quick glance and mentioned nothing. We sat and talked of superficial things, and I was content.

1st post (again)

I lost my first secret blog. It was a crazy rant anyways, something I probably didn't want to find later. Very emo at the time.
Oooh...so welcome to my secret blog! It's not going to teleport you back through time, or give you superpowers, just insight to a soul who is begining to suffocate.
It'll be fun, I think. Like slowing down at the site of a car wreck.