My dad lost his job a month ago. I went to the office with him one last time. The same office my sis and I played in, the elevators that impressed us so much when we were nine and seven. I remember we used to sit outside and wait for dad to come out after a day of work. He'd bring us two cans of soda, since they were free back then.
We'd run and play tag. I told my sister a rock in the garden there was an armadillo that was sleeping (we were from california and had just moved to texas). Every day my sister would go check on the sleeping 'armadillo.' One day she kicked it lightly and it rolled over. "you killed it!" I said.
I was a compulsive liar/storymaker-upper.
I remember going in there and drinking a hot cup of cocoa while playing computer games.
I really need to appreciate the here and now, someday this will be a cherished memory too.

I like the song 'somewhere only we know' by keane. Youtube link here

falling behind

My best friend told me he got his first kiss from a guy this past weekend.
I asked him if he ran home to write about it in his diary. He didn't, or so he says.

Me and Best friend met in highschool. He was a late bloomer, I was just awkard looking. We hit it off immediately, loving to make up stories and basically improv our way through the school day.
Everyone thought we'd get married. I did too, sort of. Definitely on a mental level he was one of my soul mates (we've kind of grown apart- i'm more dour).
He hit puberty and starting looking like the lead singer to Maroon 5/Jude Law. Ya. I really had no excuse not to like him. Only thing, he was acting ambivalent with me too. Sometimes flirty, sometimes not.
I came out to him via IM, but he thought i was just joking/overreacting. It wasn't until this year that he came out to me. Finally! our friendship became more honest and relaxed. No weird 'why aren't we dating' moments.

Anyways, it's funny how the one thing that strained our relationship was something we shared- being gay. Only i'm not half as girl-crazy as he is boy-crazy. For me, it's because it's harder to tell if a girl is just being friendly or flirty, so I don't let my hopes ever go up.
Anyways, i'm at home, studying, doing not much socializing. And he's getting looks and makeout sessions already! and hugs from hot guys. I just feel scared about being left behind (in the social aspect) again. I've kissed a few boys, but i've never kissed a girl. I wonder if it'll ever happen. I don't want to miss out on anymore, but I don't know how to get started.

Scoring coke...grinders...

My sister went to London for her fashion retail class. Lucky. She didn't really like it though. She did go to a gay club with her friends and had all the cute bisexual boys hit on her. Said it was filled with the cutest guys she's ever seen, but they were mostly about each other. I guess my sister must be pretty hot or something. I remember thinking she was like a sack of flour when she was as baby. Square, heavy..just sat there. And that's the way I'll always think of her, nothing less nothing more.

Her friend commissioned her to buy them a grinder.

Sister: Do you know what I mean when I say grinder?
Me: ...a meat grinder?

There's two types: one for marijuana, the other for cocaine. Her friend wanted the latter one. Now, my sister doesn't do drugs. She tried marijuana once and got extremely paranoid, thinking she was on Candid camera and that cops were out to get her. Nearly had a heart attack from it.
And my sister is fairly shy.

So she goes to the town outdoor market and sees some grinder vendors.

Sis: Hi, do you have a grinder?
Vendor: Like this?
Sis: No...another kind.
Vendor: This is a grinder.
Sister: Not the one for marijuana...the one for something else.
Vendor: oh you mean COCAINE?!
Sister: Oh shit! (runs away)

(later, at aother vendor- haggling)
Sister: can I have it for 8 dollars?
Vendor: You don't need to haggle. Only rich people buy this stuff.
Sister: I only have 8 dollars.
Vendor: Ok fine. You're cute.
Sister: Thanks.
Vendor: Can I buy you a drink?
Sister: Oh, no thanks.
Vendor: Can I buy you some cocaine?
Sister: No! no, I'm fine...


(sis and i are laughing at her stories. Then I turn serious)
Me: You realize now that you've told me this, I have to turn your friends in.
Sister: Ugh...you suck.
Me: I know. What a buzzkill.

Yikes...my 2nd round of residency interviews starts tomorrow.
El Paso.

My mom is real superstitious and says this is my lucky month (a bhuddist monk with weird astrology told her so)...dad and I are like yeah right. Then I won $20 off the lotto. I won a scholarship just because the professor said he saw some potential in me. He wasn't sure what. Je ne se qouis (or however you spell it). At first I thought he was coming on to me...but he's been awesome and fair.

And now, i'm putzing around 6 hours before my flight and I think, well I should google and see what else I can learn about this place. I find a link that stated they like to ask simple medical scenarios at the interviews...
Gulp.
I haven't been studying pediatric stuff per se...I've been studying general medicine/pathology. It's good to know I need to review this stuff before the big day!

Thank God. i do seem very lucky so far.

talkin' 'bout 'ginas

SNL skit-old, but I am fond of it.
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/00/00lginas.phtml

young jodie foster

Wow...just mesmerizing. Jodie is all I ever wanted to be.

http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/2007/04/click-play-and-thank-me-later.html

catchy

http://www.leekspin.com/

My parents and I love to argue, especially about religion and such. Somehow the subject of homosexuality came up today. My dad stated, once again, that he thinks it is a sad thing, that if any of his kids were gay, they would have to move to San Francisco to find their 'community.'
Now, I've told my mom, not dad. But mom kept mum, still in denial I suppose.
I said, "Well, dad, let's say I were gay. Would you send me to one of those Christian Camps to be cured?"
Dad: "I would research every venue I could, until I was sure there was no possible way to change it. And then, if there was really no way, I would show you so much support, why, I might become gay myself."

It was this odd mix of offense/warmth that keeps me miserable but happy in this family.

I'm going to just come out plain and simple soon, no beating around the bush (um, yeah). Or I can do it this way

video parodies

Old, but I like them and finally found them on Youtube.

Mad TV parodying Destiny Child's video "Emotions"

Deep House Dish (SNL's take on the house music scene)


With the awesome Kristin Wiig singing "Tired"
Maya Rudolph "Tiny Moves"

my sis

I think I'm mentioned before my obsessive-compulsive nature over people sitting/ laying in my bed. I think it's gross. Some people didn't know this, like Nancy, but since they were my guest I didn't say anything. My sister should have gotten it by now, though.


Me (walks in to see Jenn laying in my bed): Jennifer! What are you doing?!
Jennifer: Hi.
Me: What..you have your own bed. Why don't you go there?
Jennifer: I peed in it.
Me: Get. Out.


(picking up buffalo wings to-go for dinner.)

Me: Ugh.
*rolls down the window
Jennifer: Hey, roll the window back up.
Me: No, the Parmesan wings smell like ass.
Jennifer(wistfully): I wish my ass smelled like that.

Me (driving) : Ooh! I think they're throwing that bbq grill away. Let's get it!
Jennifer: No! Gosh, what is up with you taking people's trash? Mom and dad already have a grill. Use that.
Me: I'm not going to live at home forever jenn. I'm collecting stuff for my future home. I'm nesting.
Jennifer: That sounds weird.
Me: Fine. (drives on)
Jennifer: So you got any crushes? hmm?
Me: No.
Jennifer: Really? New crushes? Anyone?
Me: No, nothing. (sings softly in falsetto) Makin' love, outta nothing at all.
Jennifer: Depressing.
Jennifer (sighs): Ok, let's get that bbq for you then.
Me: Yay! Would it make you sad if you saw me staying up all night, polishing it?
Jennifer: I would cry for so many reasons.

gaydar

What is gaydar? Is it real? I wish I had it, because I need to sotp falling for straight girls, and I'm too shy to go to bars and places and chill with total strangers by myself.
Where can I buy a gaydar? at the Gaymart?

Crushes

I've never gotten to talk about my crushes to anyone before, now is the time to start!

1) Kristin Wiig- Cute and funny. She's really skinny now on SNL, and I kinda liked her better when she was rounder and performing with the Groundlings. So smart and girl-next-doorish, but so much more. I love the little smile she gives when she's singing that song on the Deep House Dish skit "Tired" *youtube has it* and her Penelope character cracks me up.

2) Ellen and Portia- Er, not into threesomes, but I'll take either.

3) Tina Fey- I used to like her a lot, but it has waned because she's grown to resemble my 3rd grade teacher and it kinda creeps me out.

4) Claire Danes- She reminds me of this girl I crushed on in high school, and she's just beautiful in her newest movie, Stardust. Sigh. I hope I can find someone who makes me shine.

5) Hilary Clinton- I was feeling bad all these other women were solely from TV. And why not hilary? She's smart, witty. i don't know, there's something about that twinkle in her eye that catches me.

6) Angelina Jolie- Do I need to explain?

7) Milla Jov...that girl from Resident Evil- kick ass! and hot! ...and hot!

I will be thinking of more, I know i'm missing a few.

16 month old neice throws a temper tantrum. It's horrible. She pulls off her diapers, screams and then flops down in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Julie: She's like this all the time. If she had been the first, I wouldn't have had anymore children.
Me: Babies do that when they get frustrated trying to communicate.
(watches as baby proceedes to flop around the floor more.)
Me: It'll be over soon.
Julie: Yeah...
Me: for me.
Julie: Awww, you get to go home, but we're stuck here. (points to my cousins Phil and Robin) They're stuck too.
Phil: Yeah. Heh Heh!(turns quicky with a desperate look and whispers behind his hand ) Help us!

Don't buy that prius

Not if you're buying it to save the environment.
Public health school..2 days and I'm already learning so much.

There's a lot of articles online about how Hummers use less energy than the Prius when you total in production and lifetime.
While I find it kind of shady, the bottom line is that the Prius will use up more energy via production (mining the nickel, shipping the nickel via ...ships...that guzzle oil, etc.) then it will save in gas.

Here is the original article with the hummer comparison:

Building a Toyota Prius causes more environmental damage than a Hummer that is on the road for three times longer than a Prius.As already noted, the Prius is partly driven by a battery which contains nickel. The nickel is mined and smelted at a plant in Sudbury, Ontario. This plant has caused so much environmental damage to the surrounding environment that NASA has used the ‘dead zone’ around the plant to test moon rovers. The area around the plant is devoid of any life for miles.The plant is the source of all the nickel found in a Prius’ battery and Toyota purchases 1,000 tons annually. Dubbed the Superstack, the plague-factory has spread sulfur dioxide across northern Ontario, becoming every environmentalist’s nightmare.“The acid rain around Sudbury was so bad it destroyed all the plants and the soil slid down off the hillside,” said Canadian Greenpeace energy-coordinator David Martin during an interview with Mail, a British-based newspaper.All of this would be bad enough in and of itself; however, the journey to make a hybrid doesn’t end there. The nickel produced by this disastrous plant is shipped via massive container ship to the largest nickel refinery in Europe. From there, the nickel hops over to China to produce ‘nickel foam.’ From there, it goes to Japan. Finally, the completed batteries are shipped to the United States, finalizing the around-the-world trip required to produce a single Prius battery. Are these not sounding less and less like environmentally sound cars and more like a farce?Wait, I haven’t even got to the best part yet.When you pool together all the combined energy it takes to drive and build a Toyota Prius, the flagship car of energy fanatics, it takes almost 50 percent more energy than a Hummer - the Prius’s arch nemesis.Through a study by CNW Marketing called “Dust to Dust,” the total combined energy is taken from all the electrical, fuel, transportation, materials (metal, plastic, etc) and hundreds of other factors over the expected lifetime of a vehicle. The Prius costs an average of $3.25 per mile driven over a lifetime of 100,000 miles - the expected lifespan of the Hybrid.The Hummer, on the other hand, costs a more fiscal $1.95 per mile to put on the road over an expected lifetime of 300,000 miles. That means the Hummer will last three times longer than a Prius and use less combined energy doing it.

1st real interview

I interviewed with San Antonio last week. One professor asked me if my hobbies included Art history. I said truthfully no, though I had taken a general course or two about Art appreciation and history. She explains that Pathology and Art parallel in that one develops the visual acumen to identify markers that reveal the artist/cause of the piece/specimen.
I almost said, "Well, I liked playing 'Where's Waldo' as a kid," but I realized that while looking for a plasma cell in a sea of endometrium might be similar to finding Waldo, the comparison was lacking a lot of what the Art History analogy covered. So I kept mum, and I believe wisely so.

I came out to my sister and my mom three years ago.
If there had been a giant explosion, I would have been ready. If there had been nonchalant acceptance, I would have cried in relief.
Instead, they just ignored it. I could have screamed and it would have been as if I was not there.
It's been awhile, but I think I'm ready for round number two.

There was a guy I might have married. He was special. He loved me so much, it was horrible to watch.

I guess the first 2 years was for getting over my imaginary 'almost' relationship in college.
He ran after me in the rain so he could carry an umbrella for me. That's when I first realized he was different than anyone else.
After we broke up, I got locked out of my temporary house down near the border of mexico. He drove out there to rescue me.
I've grown to love him back, finally. but it is very mature, peaceful. Is peace all I want?

A friend of mine has just come out. With that, the return of all my own tumultous memories. What path do I take now? Marry this man, who loves me as no one else ever had, and maybe..maybe! hurt him in the future? Or throw it all away?

I just joined up with gay.com. I want to find a place to chat with people of the glbt community, but it seems like no one is ever on. People seem nice on their profiles, I guess I'll have to start striking up conversation just based on a list of interests...I'll just have to get over my shyness.
Stardust- great movie. Go see it.

first love (maybe)

Light blue was her color. We painted the walls of our dorm light blue. My first gift to her was a stuffed dog, a husky, with blue eyes. My final gift was a blue sapphire necklace that matched the clear cool seas of her eyes, eyes that I felt I could swim in, be baptized in.
Once I was helping her with a project and standing over her as we both studied the monitor. A creative suggestion and voila, something worked. I turned to share a victory smile and so did she, our faces only inches apart. Our eyes caught and there was a brightness in hers that surprised me, I was close enough to see the swirling of her pupils (sympatetic stimulation of alpha-1 receptors dilating the muscles of the iris). I remember thinking of mysterious black holes and their indomitable gravity. My head dropped several centimeters closer, and then I stopped. The wall I had placed between us returned, just in time. She still looked up at me. I drew back and faced the screen again. "Next question..."
Those moments were enough for me to live by, keeping ablaze a hope that would never be extingiushed as long as I didn't risk it all.
But not everyone can live off of crumbs, or perhaps I was mistaken...
Why didn't I ...?
Because I cared. And caring included providing constant support and time listening about her love interests, obviously not in congruence with my feelings.
I would be the friend. Still friends? I asked once. Friends forever she smiled back. I felt it too precious to ever risk.
Thus, I kept up the wall. One day we were discussing her main elusive love again, she said, 'you're him, he's you.' I still didn't do anything besides stifled the wellspring of optimism. This boy really existed, for one. I wasn't sure if she meant she suspected I was forging his emails to her (silly, I realize now, but she did have strange ego-centric conspiracy theories sometimes), or if all her rambling to this day had been a roundabout message meant for me. Even today my heart aches happily from the thought of that. But then I recall this man still exists and long after she and I stopped speaking, this man was still a topic of great priority to her. I made the right decision, I believe.
An email came. We hadn't talked in years. She had a real boyfriend now and they did real things, not just hints and hopes.
We met to catch up on old times. She is happy yes, waiting for that proposal any day now. I took a sip of my drink and saw the blue sapphire, bought so carefully and with knowledge it was to be the final symbol of my love. I held it delicately in my hand as though it were my heart.
She wore it on the simple silver chain it came with, giving the blue an icy gleam to it, the light that once filled her eyes but now I was unable to see. The memory of it was strong enough to cut at my soul. The jewel rested near her heart and I knew, I knew she understood the warmth I had buried in there, that it still existed.
It seemed a silent way of her saying 'i know you loved me.'
Which would mean she had, in a way, loved me too. She remembered a time when something passed between us, and maybe if she didn't see it for what it was, she knew it was to be cherished.
I took this all in with a quick glance and mentioned nothing. We sat and talked of superficial things, and I was content.

1st post (again)

I lost my first secret blog. It was a crazy rant anyways, something I probably didn't want to find later. Very emo at the time.
Oooh...so welcome to my secret blog! It's not going to teleport you back through time, or give you superpowers, just insight to a soul who is begining to suffocate.
It'll be fun, I think. Like slowing down at the site of a car wreck.